Like I’m suffocating…

Mar 4, 2009 at 12:05 PM
11 comments

I feel like I’m slowly spiralling further and further into this depression I just can’t shake. It’s been getting worse over the past few years and lately I just feel like I’m losing it. Like I’m out of control. Like I’m suffocating under the weight of it all.

I am, for the life of me, trying to figure out what I can do to get better. How I can redefine myself or what I do, to overcome this feeling.

I rarely feel happy. I have fun and happy moments but overall I feel overwhelmed by this life that feels completely out of control. Or at least my control.

As I eluded to before, I’m very good at wearing the happy mask, through-which very few people see.

I used to not need a mask.

I really want to be able to take it off… it’s been feeling quite heavy lately.

steelie

11 comments

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depression,
steelie

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I wish I had the words or suggestion to help. I really do, I hate to see anyone struggle under the weight of depression. It seems society rarely has the answers if you don't want chemical intervention, but someone somewhere must have the key.

I'm like the comment above me. It feels like there really isn't anything that can help when someone feels like this. I wish I had a magic potion or solution to make it better. but since i've been there too,i know that there is no special "something" to fix it all... it just has to happen.

which is really just a sucky cop out sucky answer, isn't it...

Hi Steelie

it sounds like you need someone who can listen.

Good for you for expressing those feelings. Keep trying to look for the positive things to do for YOU too and I hope you start to feel better about yourself soon. I hope our talk helped. Take care of yourself.

Just wanted to thank all of you for the comments. I’ve not been ignoring you… more like uncertain of how to respond.

I usually post things like this on my anonymous blog but either accidentally or subconsciously-meant-to posted it over here.

Real-life friends/family saw this… still not sure what to say about it yet.

steelie replied to KeyLimeTwist’s comment:
Mar 18, 2009
Reply

For me, it’s been creeping up slowly over years and it’s “funny” how my brain kept trying to kid itself into pretending that the depression wasn’t really there. I am definitely not someone who wants any kind of “chemical intervention”…

I’ve got some figuring out to do.

steelie replied to Chaosbride’s comment:
Mar 18, 2009
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No, that’s not a sucky cop-out answer at all… you’re right. There is no magic potion that’ll work. None that would be any better than a Bandaid solution. I’ve got to take a good look inside to start figuring this one out.

steelie replied to littleskyred’s comment:
Mar 18, 2009
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You’re not the only who has suggested that since this post went up. ;^)

I’m definitely considering it.

Y’know? I used to do Parkour as a way to escape it all. Haven’t had the time lately. That in itself makes me kinda sad too.

steelie replied to Malini MacDonald’s comment:
Mar 18, 2009
Reply

Thanks, Malini. Our talk did help. :^)

It’s kinda nice to have someone in the office who knows a bit about what’s going on in my head.

KeyLimeTwist replied to steelie’s comment:
Mar 18, 2009
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"I used to do Parkour as a way to escape it all. Haven’t had the time lately."

I think that is very telling. I dont find all the "have to's" are what really feeds my soul. I love my kids and taking care of them is incredibly important to me, but it does not feed my soul to get them out of bed at 5:30, nor does it feed my soul to plan dinner. My creative soul needs time with clay, fabric or the camera.
And my nurturing soul needs to feed and care for the animals as well as the kids. I can't explain why, maybe because the animals dont talk back?
I think you are missing the thing that feeds your soul, whether that was/is Parkour or something else. :)
*have to go, sick child calling me.*

geez - how did i miss this post? i'm so sorry that i did.

admitting you're battling something like this is important. at least you're facing it rather then trying to run away from it.

i agree with what keylimetwist said - sometimes, it's about feeding our soul from more then one area/interest in our lives. when i was spending most of my time taking care of others, my depression grew and therefore, i had more onset of panic attacks. that feeling of suffocation - unfortunately, i know it too well.

Like I’m suffocating…

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